dreaming of the impossible

Is it possible for love to be distributed so equally?
Human’s imperfection fails to make things just
I’ve already foreseen this, yet you told me no
You will not forsake me like the other did so
But it has happened and will happen again
To interrupt your happy world I’ll refrain
Time is up, let’s face it –you do not care
Your love for me diminishes in the air
I will search for a place called home
A spare room or my lover’s arms
As long they’re willing to love
As long they’re eager to care
Except here in everywhere,
I’ll go places high and low
So that I learn and grow
I won’t be coming back
By then my love lacks
To you who stopped
And have brought
Disinterest, woe
Enkindling the
Heartaches
& sorrows.

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keep them hidden

the most fragile weakness
the most desirable desire
the most foolish dream
the most horrific nightmare
perhaps these are the secrets we keep among ourselves

a nightmare gone real, carving a scar
displaying a new-found fear and flaw
what that is lost now becomes a crave
we build a fantasy that makes us safe
perhaps these secrets form like a chain of events

because of the imperfections we all own
fragments of your secrets may be known
for as nasty, crooked human beings we are
our own curiosity pushes us a little too far
digging up one’s past and searching for clues
just to know why and what made you, you
perhaps this is the reason we should keep them hidden

always

taking first steps (again)

There it is, peering into the hole where I lifelessly lay.

It haunts me every time. Like a panther, stealthily creeping behind me, pouncing out of the blue. Like an odd stubborn shadow that would stay even in the dark, waiting to pull me back into my old long nightmare.

When I thought I was a little bit better after those months of recovery, I came crashing back into this pit instead. Too foolish to think that I was strong to fight through it, to adapt to sudden changes, to live as though life was merely the same. Now here I am, buried in dirt mixed with my own tears.

However all these were just exaggerations that come out from a torn heart, worn soul, and a crafty mind. Hurt. Back at this again. Travelling back into the painful incident months ago where the wounds were still fresh. Perhaps these wounds were deep cuts, or lashes, or straightforward stabs –but no. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a loved one’s horrid choices will always hurt and haunt me.

Though current affairs may not cause much harm, any minute thing can turn to a painful devilish reminder. Again I am back to square one, restarting my journey

—after this long rest (of course). Where I sleep for a long time, wishing to dream of sweet things, and secretly hoping to be a stronger person after my slumber.

the discovery

If I were to go back in time at that young age I once was, would I answer yes again?

No, maybe not —not yet.

But it was in that spark of that moment (where I was fifteen for a few months) I had to say yes. Still with a mind of a growing child, and eyes that held innocence so pure. I have not seen all horrors of the world and not learn entirely how the world works.

Clearly, I wasn’t ready.

And yet, I answered yes.

Just by an awkward hug he have given nights ago and a tub of popcorn shared in the darkness, my emotions stirred and I swayed. The flutter of my heart. The falters in my voice. The fantasy in my head. Fifteen-year-old me thought she was in love.

She wasn’t.

Infatuation, I call it now. It has come and go like the wind when there’s a presence of every charming wonder. It is that sudden pull. A sudden attraction. A crush.

Love —as I learned over the months after I said yes— was much more than a flurry of feelings. It was when disagreements were no longer unavoidable, I started to realise that it’s more than just give and take. Sometimes, to love, is to do something you do not like, like wasting your cellular data just to listen to his favourite genre: heavy EDM. And watching the links to uninteresting videos he sends. And bearing the wait for him to come back from his busy, packed day. And also shattering your pride to apologise first. And also trying to mild my jealousy and stop myself from shooting daggers at every girl he meets.

Love is something I am learning, and will continue to learn.

But if I were to go back in time at that young age I once was, would I answer yes again?

There’s nothing much I can gain from this question for I cannot go back to past and change the decision I had made. I only can do two things now in this current time:

  1. Kill it off with pesticide.
  2. Take responsibility of my actions, and make the best out of it.

Because honestly, I don’t think I regret my fifteen-year-old made choice at all. I was young, silly, and rash and at this moment I am still young, still silly, and (I hope) much less rash. Although in that first few months we connected was more of buzzing excitement, I eventually grew to love.

I have to admit, however, I have not explore every crevice of the globe and mankind. Hence, to have someone much older (like an adult) reading this would made me cower in embarrassment. Humble apologies adults young and old, I may not know what love love is, for I still have umpteen things to discover.

Actually I frown upon teenage dating. I still do. I admit that most of us are immature and want to quickly find a companion for all the wrong reasons. My case is not an exclusion, I was possessed by my emotions. I wanted to be in that ecstasy quick. It was like signing up for a three month long sugar rush. Then you get diabetes and suffer from it.

In a nutshell, I can’t find a proper conclusion to sum off this manure I wrote. Everything is so hypocritical I apologize. I don’t know what will happen in the future, but I believe things will go well if proper responsibility is taken by the two parties and ten thousand truckloads full of patience.

Relationships, like almost everything else, are neither black nor white but grey. They make you happy but they also depress you, because heads up, you are making yourself vulnerable to the other, not to mention that you have ability to hurt them too. Only you yourself know that you are ready, and if you aren’t, are you willing to bear the consequences?

For in the end I wish that the union of two people will be fruitful as they start a new beginning together called marriage. Perhaps in this era this is considered a ‘close minded’ opinion, but I hope my wish applies to you all as well.

 

 

 

 

silent struggles

lips sewn shut, pursed into a solemn smile
as disagreements form silently in the head
for the harmony between two individuals is
more important than this Passive’s opinion

yet beware of those who speak their minds
they strip off the Passives’ dignity with pride
braver Passives fight back for the first time
but most still remain in their passive state

this battle now created inside their hearts
whether to defend or remain to persevere
it is a vicious cycle that keeps on running
only to be stopped by Passives themselves

the battle within you

dashing into the trees of the dense forest
running away from the world and its tremors
succumbed into your doubts and insecurities
as you broke the ice, plunging into the water

where were you when she needed you the most?
in the middle of a tangled mess you have made
crouched in a corner, shielded from the world
but the problem has always been within you
no point of fleeing -it follows you without fail

break down your walls, breathe in humility
mend your broken heart with forgiveness
start gathering your guts and fix things
it takes two to clap (she can’t do much more)

if you love her so, quit escaping from her grasp
if you love her so, run back to her arms again
if you love her so, overcome your own setbacks
if you love her so, stand by her side and remain
there is full of hope within her as she waits