this is me
and I accept that this is who I am
but I will improve
I will do better
I will change

Sometimes I just want to say: This is who I am! Deal with me for who I am! Tolerate or leave!

Oh honey, we live in a world that goes by giving and taking. Give and take. Give and take. Give and take. It’s so hard to keep on choosing to love, to keep on sacrificing yourself by bearing me with your mouth sewn shut.

I will improve.

I will try to remember to think before I act. I will try to be more considerate. Try to choose the words to say. Try to tolerate. Try this, try that, try—

I keep using the word try because I know I will fail. That’s what humans tend to do.

But they don’t tend to be failures.  A slip up shouldn’t stop me from becoming better.

First of all, I will accept.

The one full of flaws: selfish, prideful, judgemental, and many many more. The one who hates being pitied. The one who runs away from people who seem intimidating. The one who gets riled up when people don’t comply with her expectations. The one who remains passive when she disagrees, bottling up her negative emotions until it slowly adds up, more and more and more and more and more and—

I will do better, I promise myself this.

I will change.

Twenty seventeen is another year of darkness in between the rays of sunshine as well as another footstep in my journey of self-discovery.

There were some firsts, like getting my driver’s license and a part-time job. There were lasts as well, such as facing my final year of high school and attending my last year of a three-year-cycle camp.

Overall I am rather glad, I achieved things that made me jump over the moon. However, I hate using the typical Christian-teen phrase that goes “all glory to God!” when this year I haven’t been fully living like one.

Nonetheless, I’ll cut to the chase:
    #1 My (and the rest of the students’) geography results were cancelled because of a mishap did by the school, not the students. I was really pissed at the school and the Cambridge rules (because they should charge the school, not the students) because that subject held a potential A+ for me. However, when I got my results. I actually had an A+ and—

    #2 I did surprisingly well when I felt like I did horribly on my final exams. I was so so so worried and also angry because of the cancellation of my geography paper results. Before the release of my results, I, a seventeen-year-old-to-be, acted like seven-year-old instead and wrote a long letter to God filled with profanities. It wasn’t my idea, but a youth advisor told me that “God already knows how you feel, just write it. You’ll feel good.” And I did and it felt darn good. When I received my results that day, I wasn’t even like “all glory to You!!!” but more of “Wow God, You actually gave into me!” and simply went on with my old ways.

I failed terribly this year. Backslidden to the gates of hell for not doing devotion and threatening God to give me what I want. At least…I’m being honest, it’s better than being a hypocrite.

I’ll do better.

There are crazy times, too crazy until sadistic memes became truly relatable. Crap happens, and that’s usually the crap I cannot control. It takes a little bit more time and lots of patience to let it seep into my life until it becomes permanent. It’s personal, still personal now, but I’m ready to admit that this what I have —and I am happy for them. I really am.

In twenty seventeen I found that the biggest tearjerker of my life is self-pity. It is a dark abyss which is so difficult for me to climb out of. That’s the reason why I detest people pitying me; it brings me to sympathize with my own self and it’s horribly unhealthy. My only solution is to get my mind off it right away, but it’s good to cry it all out once in a while.

Just once in a while.

What I’m worried about in twenty eighteen is a plethora of things. Academics is my number one concern for now and I don’t think I can handle failure too well in college. Instead of hoping things will turn out well, I hope that I can manage things when they don’t turn out like how I want them to be. 

I guess this is the last post of the year. Thank you to my friends and followers for reading the ultimate trash post of twenty seventeen despite my deterioration in my level of English (I haven’t gone to school for six months. I didn’t read a lot of books either. Oops.)

I’ll do better. Cheers to the new year.
abigail t.


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