word barf #10: my night routine called Worrying

perhaps college is not okay

that’s the problem about me, believing that things will get better as i grow older.

fifteen-year-old, sixteen-year-old, seventeen-year-old me
excited like any gullible girl can ever be
believing that things will eventually get better
when nothing ever gets easier when you age older

There are things I realised (mostly about myself) in my first two weeks here.
1. My past self is so stupid for wanting to take AUSMAT.
2. Some things never change, like the fact that I started panicking when I’m left alone in a big crowd of people who already know each other. Tears brimmed at the corner of my eyes as I ran to my friend (who was supposed to accompany me) that arrived late in a function.
3. I worry a lot and a lot and a lot and a lot.
4. I can approach, but I’m always scared to do so. I rather like to be approached.
5. Living in the city is not as nice as it seems.
6. I really start to miss home and my family and friends. You only appreciate them when they’re truly away from you.
7. There is a possibility that I can never fit in. That I can never find someone new to talk about insecurities and worries and flaws. If it took me six months in my new school back in 2015, won’t college be harder? I only have ten months here.
8. Psychology is fun but how it is taught is a completely different story.
9. Non-Christians are friendlier than Christians. These people are so much easier to be with. So much more outgoing. They are willing to make new friends, willing to let loose in a short period of time.
9.5. Of course I can’t generalise Christians and non-Christians but for now, in my point of view, in this institution, they are perceived to be that way.
10. It’s a scary place. Cliques are inevitable and everywhere. There will always be people -groups of people- that will intimidate me.

It’s funny how people think I’m extrovert because in reality I can never gain my energy by being with people. I can’t keep a lot of friends. They (friends) are always handpicked with the conscious of my mind and the cry of my heart.

Sometimes being friends with extroverts puts yourself into risk as well. You’re not the only one that receives attention. You are just one of your extrovert’s plethora of friends. And then here comes the irrational thought that you never belong in the first place.

It goes on and on.

And on and on.

The worries never stop, do they?



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