trust issues

i believed you once
when you told me i was special
you repeat them again and again
like a never ending song
you said we could be more
allowing time to do its thing
and i waited again and again
like a never ending chase

i believed you once
for i didn’t want to live a lie
one moment your world was me
belonging to the galaxy of stars
but later, your world was hers
stealing what was once ours
i was not foolish to wait
nor trust for i believed you once

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the death march commences on march

the synchronizing footsteps make a consistent beat on the tar road.

she’s in the crowd, sticking out like a sore thumb. her footsteps are offbeat compared to the rest. nonetheless everyone else moves along with the tick-tock of the clock. they march as the seconds past.

they sync with time. 

she’s trapped, but she has to move on to avoid being trampled on. she has to take wider strides to keep up. the energy continuously drains out from her soul. the pressure rises in her.

she just has to catch up.

the snow has melted two weeks back and the bits of green take a peek of the sun. spring time is soon —but everyone knows: March marks the beginning of the plague.

so even though her left leg moves first when everyone else’s moves their right, even though she’s gasping for air because she’s almost out of breath, she simply has to move to the beat of the clock’s pendulum (for time waits for no one).

she feels like she will fail. that darkness and fear will engulf her and hold her back. but she will not lean on her own understanding; she will put her trust in the Light that will lead her the way.

she will not lose the race. she will not lose the fight.

she will strive forward with the help of this Light.


death march commences on march because tests and exams and pressure and stress are here and lol this is really really an awful time for me. i honestly thought college will be okay but clearly it is not okay??? idk anymore i have a pass or fail test tomorrow and a bio assessment in less than 48 hours and five (yes FIVE, one per subject) assessments next week??????? honestly i don’t know whether i can cope with this but really everything is in His hands and i’ll trust Him but selfishly hope everything will go good according to my way when it’s supposed to be His way (we just can’t be perfect, can we?) lol im babbling nonsense as usual idk idk idk goodnight everyone. i don’t think i’ll ever be active in 2018 because of c o l l e g e. so much for being excited for it months back. 

o no. u reading this.

congratz on finding this dumpsite!

this site is basically a thought or word dump. they aren’t meant to inspire. they aren’t meant to provoke. it’s just a site i fart my thoughts out man. they’re going to be honest (except fictions/some poetry/also a lot of exaggerations (refer to hyperbole)). they’re going to be real.

it’s pretty risky -exposing myself (flaws and all) like this, but ultimately this is how we all are; tainted with sin.

in the end, this site is for myself, so no #ootd and a fake #glam canvas of my life (never believe instagram pages guys, and like 99% of social media accounts). it’s about diving in and writing about the lessons i’ve learned, experiences i’ve encountered, and the issues i’ve faced (also some fake stories and analogies lol you can always play a game called Decode Abi’s Posts).

let me give u the ultimate trash posts so u don’t need to rummage all the other trash stuff lols.

 

hush
inferiority
past bedtime
it ticks me off
to the flower child
hardships of healing
monkey see, monkey do
two elements that contradict
out of reach (but not for long)

no but rlly i feel a lot of my posts are filled with complete utter nonsense so the links above are some content to spare my dignity haha k thx bye.

child, that’s not love

breathe in, breathe out
suck in all the nervousness
gather all the anxiety
then release them out
repeat

the heart beats a little faster
cheeks turning pink, no —scarlet
he’s here! he’s here

breathe in, breathe out
repeat

but that’s not love
these are merely feelings
a liking; an attraction
the excitement, the anticipation
these will fade
they will

because love is not a feeling
it is —instead— a choice
on whether you’re willing
to be committed (for a lifetime)
to be vulnerable (to hurt and pain)
to sacrifice (money, time, so much more)
for this person you dearly like

things go well at the beginning
thinking that this responsibility is easy
oh so wrong, so so wrong
not even two steps ahead of the starting line
and we say something so foolish
we laugh at our innocence in the future

it’s a liking, an attraction
this is simply an infatuation
whether reciprocated, it will fade
it will

trust me —i’ve been there
i was once just like you
(and they were once just like me)

 

word barf #10: my night routine called Worrying

perhaps college is not okay

that’s the problem about me, believing that things will get better as i grow older.

fifteen-year-old, sixteen-year-old, seventeen-year-old me
excited like any gullible girl can ever be
believing that things will eventually get better
when nothing ever gets easier when you age older

There are things I realised (mostly about myself) in my first two weeks here.
1. My past self is so stupid for wanting to take AUSMAT.
2. Some things never change, like the fact that I started panicking when I’m left alone in a big crowd of people who already know each other. Tears brimmed at the corner of my eyes as I ran to my friend (who was supposed to accompany me) that arrived late in a function.
3. I worry a lot and a lot and a lot and a lot.
4. I can approach, but I’m always scared to do so. I rather like to be approached.
5. Living in the city is not as nice as it seems.
6. I really start to miss home and my family and friends. You only appreciate them when they’re truly away from you.
7. There is a possibility that I can never fit in. That I can never find someone new to talk about insecurities and worries and flaws. If it took me six months in my new school back in 2015, won’t college be harder? I only have ten months here.
8. Psychology is fun but how it is taught is a completely different story.
9. Non-Christians are friendlier than Christians. These people are so much easier to be with. So much more outgoing. They are willing to make new friends, willing to let loose in a short period of time.
9.5. Of course I can’t generalise Christians and non-Christians but for now, in my point of view, in this institution, they are perceived to be that way.
10. It’s a scary place. Cliques are inevitable and everywhere. There will always be people -groups of people- that will intimidate me.

It’s funny how people think I’m extrovert because in reality I can never gain my energy by being with people. I can’t keep a lot of friends. They (friends) are always handpicked with the conscious of my mind and the cry of my heart.

Sometimes being friends with extroverts puts yourself into risk as well. You’re not the only one that receives attention. You are just one of your extrovert’s plethora of friends. And then here comes the irrational thought that you never belong in the first place.

It goes on and on.

And on and on.

The worries never stop, do they?

 

resolution

this is me
and I accept that this is who I am
but I will improve
I will do better
I will change

Sometimes I just want to say: This is who I am! Deal with me for who I am! Tolerate or leave!

Oh honey, we live in a world that goes by giving and taking. Give and take. Give and take. Give and take. It’s so hard to keep on choosing to love, to keep on sacrificing yourself by bearing me with your mouth sewn shut.

I will improve.

I will try to remember to think before I act. I will try to be more considerate. Try to choose the words to say. Try to tolerate. Try this, try that, try—

I keep using the word try because I know I will fail. That’s what humans tend to do.

But they don’t tend to be failures.  A slip up shouldn’t stop me from becoming better.

First of all, I will accept.

The one full of flaws: selfish, prideful, judgemental, and many many more. The one who hates being pitied. The one who runs away from people who seem intimidating. The one who gets riled up when people don’t comply with her expectations. The one who remains passive when she disagrees, bottling up her negative emotions until it slowly adds up, more and more and more and more and more and—

I will do better, I promise myself this.

I will change.


Twenty seventeen is another year of darkness in between the rays of sunshine as well as another footstep in my journey of self-discovery.

There were some firsts, like getting my driver’s license and a part-time job. There were lasts as well, such as facing my final year of high school and attending my last year of a three-year-cycle camp.

Overall I am rather glad, I achieved things that made me jump over the moon. However, I hate using the typical Christian-teen phrase that goes “all glory to God!” when this year I haven’t been fully living like one.

Nonetheless, I’ll cut to the chase:
    #1 My (and the rest of the students’) geography results were cancelled because of a mishap did by the school, not the students. I was really pissed at the school and the Cambridge rules (because they should charge the school, not the students) because that subject held a potential A+ for me. However, when I got my results. I actually had an A+ and—

    #2 I did surprisingly well when I felt like I did horribly on my final exams. I was so so so worried and also angry because of the cancellation of my geography paper results. Before the release of my results, I, a seventeen-year-old-to-be, acted like seven-year-old instead and wrote a long letter to God filled with profanities. It wasn’t my idea, but a youth advisor told me that “God already knows how you feel, just write it. You’ll feel good.” And I did and it felt darn good. When I received my results that day, I wasn’t even like “all glory to You!!!” but more of “Wow God, You actually gave into me!” and simply went on with my old ways.

I failed terribly this year. Backslidden to the gates of hell for not doing devotion and threatening God to give me what I want. At least…I’m being honest, it’s better than being a hypocrite.

I’ll do better.

There are crazy times, too crazy until sadistic memes became truly relatable. Crap happens, and that’s usually the crap I cannot control. It takes a little bit more time and lots of patience to let it seep into my life until it becomes permanent. It’s personal, still personal now, but I’m ready to admit that this what I have —and I am happy for them. I really am.

In twenty seventeen I found that the biggest tearjerker of my life is self-pity. It is a dark abyss which is so difficult for me to climb out of. That’s the reason why I detest people pitying me; it brings me to sympathize with my own self and it’s horribly unhealthy. My only solution is to get my mind off it right away, but it’s good to cry it all out once in a while.

Just once in a while.

What I’m worried about in twenty eighteen is a plethora of things. Academics is my number one concern for now and I don’t think I can handle failure too well in college. Instead of hoping things will turn out well, I hope that I can manage things when they don’t turn out like how I want them to be. 

I guess this is the last post of the year. Thank you to my friends and followers for reading the ultimate trash post of twenty seventeen despite my deterioration in my level of English (I haven’t gone to school for six months. I didn’t read a lot of books either. Oops.)

I’ll do better. Cheers to the new year.
abigail t.

word barf #9: I AM OKAY

hi people who are reading this! i resurrected from the dead after how long of not updating. i’m busy with college preparations and work and sobbing at kdramas. this is my short message to people out there:

AY LOL IM NOT SUICIDAL NOR DEPRESSED. LET ME BE SAD.

please let me wallow as i write.

apologies (why am i apologising again?) for all the deep, saddening posts. bro, you can just leave my blog if my mood rains on your parade.

thanks for worrying about me! but i can assure you that i am perfectly normal —meaning that i am a human with emotions that include sadness.

i’m not sad all the time. it’s just that when i’m sad, i tend to write more. that’s why my blog seems depressing.

cheerio guys, and merry christmas if i don’t come back soon.