be in the bliss

rash decisions bring good things too
who cares about what people think?
as long as in this spur of the moment
you and i are happy with each other
and that’s all we should care about
though with every bliss comes misery
let’s not think about this for tonight
now we reflect on the contentment
like the kisses under the moonlight


we’re gonna take away the sorrow;

 

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this is what it is

this is what it is
they expect us to deal with it
and so we did and we still do
but they look at us weirdly
thinking we don’t seem right

this is what it is
a badly destroyed childhood
with a glimpse of terror too soon
even when we struggled growing up
we are still frowned upon

this is what it is
bottled up thoughts and feelings
excessive crying at twelve a.m.
making everything seem okay
because we hate being pitied

this is what it is
with never a clear understanding
about love, happiness, and family
we stopped believing in fairy tales
at such an early age

this is what it is
forced to answer such questions
when reminiscing brings such pain
being the ‘it’ subject of whispers
we just act like it doesn’t hurt

this is what it is
we are simply innocent victims
expected to blend into the rest
despite reoccurring nightmares
and the everlasting emptiness
but this is what it is

word barf #8: this is the era

This is the era where people take social media as a serious representation of our lives. Where many filter out the hardships and display the plain ol’ and same ol’ beauty. Where the other party may stumble upon their posts, and feel even much more insecure, because their own lives aren’t as pretty as theirs. Like thick icing on a cake, they make their lives presentable too. This is where the chain reaction begins.

This is the era where people make money and gain fame by copying from one another. Where I see the similar types of clothing on five different girls. Where they promote about skin care brand A at three in the afternoon and then praise skincare brand B two hours later. Where their lives seem magical as though money typically rain at their areas. Princesses –with prince, or no prince (or occasionally different princes).

This is the era where people think so much about solely themselves. Where family is only mentioned on pick one: (mothers’/fathers’/parents’ birth) day. Where occasionally an #appreciationpost for their siblings or friends are put up once every six months (or maybe for the first time because their own Outfit Of The Day was really good in this photo). Where their Instagram grid is full of new faces because “Hey everybody! I have so many many many friends! I am popular!” when honestly, they never spoke more than fifty sentences.

This is the era where people feed off from other people. Perhaps it’s the popularity they want to steal, perhaps it’s the top-notch photography skills they want on their photos. However we can never find out their true incentives (and the truth hurts as well).

This is the era people tries to be different to stand out, and flourish for just that little while. Because people look up to these successors, and inevitably, people will follow. That difference is now shared, and that makes it same. One paradox we can see is the fact that we call hipsters ‘hipsters’ because they stand out for not touching the mainstream, but being a hipster is ironically a trend.

This is the era where we can’t plan a proper road for ourselves in the future. We want everything this instant. We want fame, we want fun, we want these kind of friends. We want them right now. We are so self-absorbed in the short period of time where eventually, all these bits of nonsense will not matter anymore in the near future. (We still want these nonetheless because the future seems far.)

This is the era where insecurities are rising among us. We look at them through social media and think that we are not enough. What we forget is the fact that these platforms veils the drastic imperfections, making them unsearchable.

This is the era where we are much covered in flaws, and instead of accepting them, we have a need to hide them away.

And I too, feel guilty.


a ‘word barf’ is that typical thought post without proof reading and mostly nonsense. it is written and posted because many thoughts run away. and it’s better to write them down before forgetting them. 

Mr. Grudge

like a Burr seed attached to one’s clothes
his arms are tight for he never lets me go
despite how much i wanted us to be apart
Mr. Grudge stubbornly clings onto my heart

and when i thought Mr. Grudge actually left
i crossed paths with Lady and he came back
together with his friends who make me sick
they dance along to the pulmonary beat

there was Miss Envy who shakes me awake
adding ingredients that spark up the hate
and Madame Despise who darkens my soul
so that when i’m with Lady, i’ll turn cold

sometimes an angel sits on my shoulder
telling me that Lady isn’t entirely wrong
i tried hard to reason it out, saying that:
Mr. Grudge is exceedingly too strong

he conquers both my heart and mind
i cannot love nor to Lady ever be kind
many remedies failed –he wouldn’t budge
so how do i get rid of clingy Mr. Grudge?

all that matters

It works this way; some have it better than others. Period.

Some were naturally born with a silver spoon in their mouths. Some could crawl through the crevices of the world with a mask that shields their true personality –and actually succeed. Some simply have the universe on their side all the time.

It seems this way to the rest of us; injustice being the antagonist of our lives.

Some are struggling to make ends meet. Some who gave their all but never got appreciated. Some who tripped and stumbled and are simply tired to fall again.

Why?

Quit the generic answers like ‘because this is how life is’ or ‘you see your life like a glass half empty’. And no, do not bring up the God card.

May we find answer as time continues to do its thing. For the ‘blessed’ ones may lose the power on a rainy day, and the ones who had been through a tiny fraction of hell may be seated on cloud nine.

This might not be the perfect solution, but this satisfies my crumpled heart.

(And for now, the satisfaction is all that matters.)

word barf #7: friendships

Where is the line drawn?

  I have to admit that I choose who I want to be friends with. It’s pretty silly because I believe that friendships develop over time, but then I realized that we choose whether or not we want to run miles for so and so.

There isn’t a perfect formula to boost your friend to go to the best friend level. During my early primary school years, I changed my best friend every few months or so. Currently my “best” friends include the ones who I still contact/insult ever since we were seven, and the ones whom I constantly hang out with for the past three or four years.

However there were things which I only blurt to my friends in school. I pick the ones who I want to listen to what I want to share. Perhaps it’s because this person can relate to me more, perhaps this one can give me better advice -I really do not know.

I also believe that most friendships are temporary. This could possibly the reason why I do not have many ‘BFF’s, for the ones who earn this title are the ones who have the potential to be involved in my life for the next sixty years or so.

The struggle: part I.

   This does not happen all the time, but often I find myself being a fool for giving in too much. Usually I get too afraid destroying the friendship and so I let them be -even if it hurts me.

Towards the end of last year I broke down in the girls’ changing room in front of a few of my classmates. Obviously shameless of my tears, I spilled my hurts between the muffled sobs. It was about this person who I was once friends with, but occasionally, the insults thrown at me were terrible. There was a point where he talked about my private life to another person, and it was my last straw.

We had stopped being friends long before my awful breakdown. Despite that he still exclaimed an insult meant for me. In the changing room, one of my classmates told me that he was a bully. And I have to confess, even if I still feel uncomfortable saying this: although we had good, fun, and memorable times together, he is a bully.

   The struggle: part II.

  I am not totally triggered by being taken advantage of, but I get absolutely hurt if people cannot sacrifice as much I sacrifice for them. I don’t mind doing things for them, but how can they not give just a little bit more time and effort for me? Like, are they really too lazy to read a 500-word post on my blog when I asked for feedback? Lolz.

Pretty upsetting and definitely hurtful. They could argue that I am being selfish for not looking at the things they have already done, but gosh, the amount of my heart and soul poured into this compared to theirs is vast.

Agreed. It’s silly of me being so calculative, but from this, I learn one thing. They view the friendship differently than I do. I can put them on the pedestal, but they do not put me in a place just as important. And that’s bitter.

I know this because I was once like that. I was self-centered, and currently, still self-centered like how many of us are. I would be lying if I said that I treasure the friendship as much as the other party did. I apologize for never giving my all if you are my friend (new or old) reading this.

So far in twenty seventeen I have not slack yet by treating these golden souls badly compared to how they treated me. Aside from that, I’m planning to repay the extra amount of effort they gave. It’s supposed to be a secret, but they’re too humble to know who they are.

The lesson.

  To stand up for myself is something I am still trying to do. There has to be a limit, and sometimes, snipping away the knot can actually set myself free. Another thing is perhaps to not expect too much from people. Even your ‘BFF’s can’t go all out for you. Truly it is devastating, but that is how people are.

  Let time mend the heart, but never be afraid to make friends.