the discovery

If I were to go back in time at that young age I once was, would I answer yes again?

No, maybe not —not yet.

But it was in that spark of that moment (where I was fifteen for a few months) I had to say yes. Still with a mind of a growing child, and eyes that held innocence so pure. I have not seen all horrors of the world and not learn entirely how the world works.

Clearly, I wasn’t ready.

And yet, I answered yes.

Just by an awkward hug he have given nights ago and a tub of popcorn shared in the darkness, my emotions stirred and I swayed. The flutter of my heart. The falters in my voice. The fantasy in my head. Fifteen-year-old me thought she was in love.

She wasn’t.

Infatuation, I call it now. It has come and go like the wind when there’s a presence of every charming wonder. It is that sudden pull. A sudden attraction. A crush.

Love —as I learned over the months after I said yes— was much more than a flurry of feelings. It was when disagreements were no longer unavoidable, I started to realise that it’s more than just give and take. Sometimes, to love, is to do something you do not like, like wasting your cellular data just to listen to his favourite genre: heavy EDM. And watching the links to uninteresting videos he sends. And bearing the wait for him to come back from his busy, packed day. And also shattering your pride to apologise first. And also trying to mild my jealousy and stop myself from shooting daggers at every girl he meets.

Love is something I am learning, and will continue to learn.

But if I were to go back in time at that young age I once was, would I answer yes again?

There’s nothing much I can gain from this question for I cannot go back to past and change the decision I had made. I only can do two things now in this current time:

  1. Kill it off with pesticide.
  2. Take responsibility of my actions, and make the best out of it.

Because honestly, I don’t think I regret my fifteen-year-old made choice at all. I was young, silly, and rash and at this moment I am still young, still silly, and (I hope) much less rash. Although in that first few months we connected was more of buzzing excitement, I eventually grew to love.

I have to admit, however, I have not explore every crevice of the globe and mankind. Hence, to have someone much older (like an adult) reading this would made me cower in embarrassment. Humble apologies adults young and old, I may not know what love love is, for I still have umpteen things to discover.

Actually I frown upon teenage dating. I still do. I admit that most of us are immature and want to quickly find a companion for all the wrong reasons. My case is not an exclusion, I was possessed by my emotions. I wanted to be in that ecstasy quick. It was like signing up for a three month long sugar rush. Then you get diabetes and suffer from it.

In a nutshell, I can’t find a proper conclusion to sum off this manure I wrote. Everything is so hypocritical I apologize. I don’t know what will happen in the future, but I believe things will go well if proper responsibility is taken by the two parties and a ten thousand truckloads full of patience.

Relationships, like almost everything else, are neither black nor white but grey. They make you happy but they also depress you, because heads up, you are making yourself vulnerable to the other, not to mention that you have ability to hurt them too. Only you yourself know that you are ready, and if you aren’t, are you willing to bear the consequences?

For in the end I wish that the union of two people will be fruitful as they start a new beginning together called marriage. Perhaps in this era this is considered a ‘close minded’ opinion, but I hope my wish applies to you all as well.

 

 

 

 

be in the bliss

rash decisions bring good things too
who cares about what people think?
as long as in this spur of the moment
you and i are happy with each other
and that’s all we should care about
though with every bliss comes misery
let’s not think about this for tonight
now we reflect on the contentment
like the kisses under the moonlight


we’re gonna take away the sorrow;

 

this is what it is

this is what it is
they expect us to deal with it
and so we did and we still do
but they look at us weirdly
thinking we don’t seem right

this is what it is
a badly destroyed childhood
with a glimpse of terror too soon
even when we struggled growing up
we are still frowned upon

this is what it is
bottled up thoughts and feelings
excessive crying at twelve a.m.
making everything seem okay
because we hate being pitied

this is what it is
with never a clear understanding
about love, happiness, and family
we stopped believing in fairy tales
at such an early age

this is what it is
forced to answer such questions
when reminiscing brings such pain
being the ‘it’ subject of whispers
we just act like it doesn’t hurt

this is what it is
we are simply innocent victims
expected to blend into the rest
despite reoccurring nightmares
and the everlasting emptiness
but this is what it is

word barf #8: this is the era

This is the era where people take social media as a serious representation of our lives. Where many filter out the hardships and display the plain ol’ and same ol’ beauty. Where the other party may stumble upon their posts, and feel even much more insecure, because their own lives aren’t as pretty as theirs. Like thick icing on a cake, they make their lives presentable too. This is where the chain reaction begins.

This is the era where people make money and gain fame by copying from one another. Where I see the similar types of clothing on five different girls. Where they promote about skin care brand A at three in the afternoon and then praise skincare brand B two hours later. Where their lives seem magical as though money typically rain at their areas. Princesses –with prince, or no prince (or occasionally different princes).

This is the era where people think so much about solely themselves. Where family is only mentioned on pick one: (mothers’/fathers’/parents’ birth) day. Where occasionally an #appreciationpost for their siblings or friends are put up once every six months (or maybe for the first time because their own Outfit Of The Day was really good in this photo). Where their Instagram grid is full of new faces because “Hey everybody! I have so many many many friends! I am popular!” when honestly, they never spoke more than fifty sentences.

This is the era where people feed off from other people. Perhaps it’s the popularity they want to steal, perhaps it’s the top-notch photography skills they want on their photos. However we can never find out their true incentives (and the truth hurts as well).

This is the era people tries to be different to stand out, and flourish for just that little while. Because people look up to these successors, and inevitably, people will follow. That difference is now shared, and that makes it same. One paradox we can see is the fact that we call hipsters ‘hipsters’ because they stand out for not touching the mainstream, but being a hipster is ironically a trend.

This is the era where we can’t plan a proper road for ourselves in the future. We want everything this instant. We want fame, we want fun, we want these kind of friends. We want them right now. We are so self-absorbed in the short period of time where eventually, all these bits of nonsense will not matter anymore in the near future. (We still want these nonetheless because the future seems far.)

This is the era where insecurities are rising among us. We look at them through social media and think that we are not enough. What we forget is the fact that these platforms veils the drastic imperfections, making them unsearchable.

This is the era where we are much covered in flaws, and instead of accepting them, we have a need to hide them away.

And I too, feel guilty.


a ‘word barf’ is that typical thought post without proof reading and mostly nonsense. it is written and posted because many thoughts run away. and it’s better to write them down before forgetting them. 

Mr. Grudge

like a Burr seed attached to one’s clothes
his arms are tight for he never lets me go
despite how much i wanted us to be apart
Mr. Grudge stubbornly clings onto my heart

and when i thought Mr. Grudge actually left
i crossed paths with Lady and he came back
together with his friends who make me sick
they dance along to the pulmonary beat

there was Miss Envy who shakes me awake
adding ingredients that spark up the hate
and Madame Despise who darkens my soul
so that when i’m with Lady, i’ll turn cold

sometimes an angel sits on my shoulder
telling me that Lady isn’t entirely wrong
i tried hard to reason it out, saying that:
Mr. Grudge is exceedingly too strong

he conquers both my heart and mind
i cannot love nor to Lady ever be kind
many remedies failed –he wouldn’t budge
so how do i get rid of clingy Mr. Grudge?