the discovery

If I were to go back in time at that young age I once was, would I answer yes again?

No, maybe not —not yet.

But it was in that spark of that moment (where I was fifteen for a few months) I had to say yes. Still with a mind of a growing child, and eyes that held innocence so pure. I have not seen all horrors of the world and not learn entirely how the world works.

Clearly, I wasn’t ready.

And yet, I answered yes.

Just by an awkward hug he have given nights ago and a tub of popcorn shared in the darkness, my emotions stirred and I swayed. The flutter of my heart. The falters in my voice. The fantasy in my head. Fifteen-year-old me thought she was in love.

She wasn’t.

Infatuation, I call it now. It has come and go like the wind when there’s a presence of every charming wonder. It is that sudden pull. A sudden attraction. A crush.

Love —as I learned over the months after I said yes— was much more than a flurry of feelings. It was when disagreements were no longer unavoidable, I started to realise that it’s more than just give and take. Sometimes, to love, is to do something you do not like, like wasting your cellular data just to listen to his favourite genre: heavy EDM. And watching the links to uninteresting videos he sends. And bearing the wait for him to come back from his busy, packed day. And also shattering your pride to apologise first. And also trying to mild my jealousy and stop myself from shooting daggers at every girl he meets.

Love is something I am learning, and will continue to learn.

But if I were to go back in time at that young age I once was, would I answer yes again?

There’s nothing much I can gain from this question for I cannot go back to past and change the decision I had made. I only can do two things now in this current time:

  1. Kill it off with pesticide.
  2. Take responsibility of my actions, and make the best out of it.

Because honestly, I don’t think I regret my fifteen-year-old made choice at all. I was young, silly, and rash and at this moment I am still young, still silly, and (I hope) much less rash. Although in that first few months we connected was more of buzzing excitement, I eventually grew to love.

I have to admit, however, I have not explore every crevice of the globe and mankind. Hence, to have someone much older (like an adult) reading this would made me cower in embarrassment. Humble apologies adults young and old, I may not know what love love is, for I still have umpteen things to discover.

Actually I frown upon teenage dating. I still do. I admit that most of us are immature and want to quickly find a companion for all the wrong reasons. My case is not an exclusion, I was possessed by my emotions. I wanted to be in that ecstasy quick. It was like signing up for a three month long sugar rush. Then you get diabetes and suffer from it.

In a nutshell, I can’t find a proper conclusion to sum off this manure I wrote. Everything is so hypocritical I apologize. I don’t know what will happen in the future, but I believe things will go well if proper responsibility is taken by the two parties and a ten thousand truckloads full of patience.

Relationships, like almost everything else, are neither black nor white but grey. They make you happy but they also depress you, because heads up, you are making yourself vulnerable to the other, not to mention that you have ability to hurt them too. Only you yourself know that you are ready, and if you aren’t, are you willing to bear the consequences?

For in the end I wish that the union of two people will be fruitful as they start a new beginning together called marriage. Perhaps in this era this is considered a ‘close minded’ opinion, but I hope my wish applies to you all as well.

 

 

 

 

the battle within you

dashing into the trees of the dense forest
running away from the world and its tremors
succumbed into your doubts and insecurities
as you broke the ice, plunging into the water

where were you when she needed you the most?
in the middle of a tangled mess you have made
crouched in a corner, shielded from the world
but the problem has always been within you
no point of fleeing -it follows you without fail

break down your walls, breathe in humility
mend your broken heart with forgiveness
start gathering your guts and fix things
it takes two to clap (she can’t do much more)

if you love her so, quit escaping from her grasp
if you love her so, run back to her arms again
if you love her so, overcome your own setbacks
if you love her so, stand by her side and remain
there is full of hope within her as she waits

be in the bliss

rash decisions bring good things too
who cares about what people think?
as long as in this spur of the moment
you and i are happy with each other
and that’s all we should care about
though with every bliss comes misery
let’s not think about this for tonight
now we reflect on the contentment
like the kisses under the moonlight


we’re gonna take away the sorrow;

 

inside the examination hall

in maroon sneakers he rushed in
and sat on the desk beside me
time ticking, legs of the chair
scraping the cemented floor

we started without him
already scribbling in blue
when he just started reading
the instructions and passage

sweat beaded his forehead
eyebrows scrunching as the
pen quickly formed strokes
hurry, not much time left

a drop of a ballpoint pen
which shattered the silence
was rolling towards a leg
of the desk belonging to me

should i?

too late.

i heard footsteps nearing,
bones cracking as the aged
teacher bends down to reach
for the common writing tool

surprised that the teacher
knew who the owner was
he set the object on his desk
instead of mistaking it for mine

and so the boy retrieved his lost pen
but i lost the chance to get him to notice me

word barf #4: dear long old friend

you are not alone.

i believe that this is a phase which everyone has went through. but you’re growing up, juggling jobs and earning the money which you deserve with your hard work you have put through. it’s hard to see our own flaws and we get hurt when people point it out. trying to change ourselves is a whole another level. it’s difficult. i know. i’ve been there.

we are quite similar after all.

our selfish desires. our views of the world. how we felt when people leave us and treat us in such ways. maybe these similarities are the cause of resentment for each other. i do not know for sure. the most i can do is to assume.

i assume that you lose in one thing: authentic love. bona fide.

for that’s where we are parallel. you can have more than a handful of friends to go out with every day and every night. you can have different pairs of ears to listen to your heartfelt problems. there can be more than three people sending messages to you right now, way more likes and comments on your photos than mine, way more views on your daily routine you uploaded on social media. people know you and you’re a star -well i like to think that you are.

despite the many faces you know, i presume that you’re never satisfied. you cannot express your deepest, darkest thoughts because simply it isn’t right. you don’t know them enough. they don’t know you enough. this authenticity in these many friendships is not there.

acceptance is the social drug which we think that is harmless. we unconsciously seek and repressively strive to belong to a place. we feel good when we’re there, and sometimes, we want more. perhaps it’s greed. perhaps we are addicted. obtaining a green card from everyone becomes a new goal.

i stopped what i was doing when i realised the growing monster in me. it was partly the reason why i left the place that has made me that way. i slipped into a rural site and adjusted my life. around three years has passed, and i’ve grown a little older to go deeper beyond the facade:

acceptance isn’t everything but we make is seem like it is. you and i are insecure, just like many, many other people.

your bitterness towards me hurts, i wanted you to be happy for these stages i’ve reached in life. however i wasn’t happy at your achievements either. the both of us desire what each other has as an individual. being known by many is something i secretly hunger for, but i remind myself that i need to appreciate all i have.

i shouldn’t overlook the love my small circle of friends have given me. i’m thankful for the love showered upon me. at the end of the day, quality is truly better than quantity.

despite where we are now -living as though we are non-existent to each other- i’m here when you’re down. i’ll help break down the barriers that hinder you away. and even if you decide to stay this way, i want you to know that i’ve forgiven you and that i am still here when you need a hand.

i wish you best of luck.

hardships of healing

There was where they met:
in the middle of a crowded sidewalk,
where the hustling bustle of feet
and the hoarse voice of cars
created a disastrous melody.

Their eyes were wide.
Her chuckle hinted nervousness.
His scarlet cheeks signaled shame.
Alas, he cleared his throat
and asked, “How are you?”

That night was a hot night
but her sweat was based on fear.
“I’m doing well,” she replied,
fingers fidgeted with her hair.
“What about you?”

“I’m good.” (he missed her)
“That’s nice to hear.” (it wasn’t)
“Are you…” sirens drowned his voice
but they faded within seconds.
“…with somebody now?”

She hesitated and looked away
Finally she nodded, answering
“Yes.” Pause. “Do you have one?”
He gave a faint mutter: “I do.”
If only it was their wedding instead.

The train on the tracks screeched
above them on an overhead bridge.
It was dark for the few seconds
when they embraced each other,
taking in the familiar scent.

They then parted their ways:
one heading north, the other, south.
Moving on to their destinations,
moving on from each other
-like they have always did.