the discovery

If I were to go back in time at that young age I once was, would I answer yes again?

No, maybe not —not yet.

But it was in that spark of that moment (where I was fifteen for a few months) I had to say yes. Still with a mind of a growing child, and eyes that held innocence so pure. I have not seen all horrors of the world and not learn entirely how the world works.

Clearly, I wasn’t ready.

And yet, I answered yes.

Just by an awkward hug he have given nights ago and a tub of popcorn shared in the darkness, my emotions stirred and I swayed. The flutter of my heart. The falters in my voice. The fantasy in my head. Fifteen-year-old me thought she was in love.

She wasn’t.

Infatuation, I call it now. It has come and go like the wind when there’s a presence of every charming wonder. It is that sudden pull. A sudden attraction. A crush.

Love —as I learned over the months after I said yes— was much more than a flurry of feelings. It was when disagreements were no longer unavoidable, I started to realise that it’s more than just give and take. Sometimes, to love, is to do something you do not like, like wasting your cellular data just to listen to his favourite genre: heavy EDM. And watching the links to uninteresting videos he sends. And bearing the wait for him to come back from his busy, packed day. And also shattering your pride to apologise first. And also trying to mild my jealousy and stop myself from shooting daggers at every girl he meets.

Love is something I am learning, and will continue to learn.

But if I were to go back in time at that young age I once was, would I answer yes again?

There’s nothing much I can gain from this question for I cannot go back to past and change the decision I had made. I only can do two things now in this current time:

  1. Kill it off with pesticide.
  2. Take responsibility of my actions, and make the best out of it.

Because honestly, I don’t think I regret my fifteen-year-old made choice at all. I was young, silly, and rash and at this moment I am still young, still silly, and (I hope) much less rash. Although in that first few months we connected was more of buzzing excitement, I eventually grew to love.

I have to admit, however, I have not explore every crevice of the globe and mankind. Hence, to have someone much older (like an adult) reading this would made me cower in embarrassment. Humble apologies adults young and old, I may not know what love love is, for I still have umpteen things to discover.

Actually I frown upon teenage dating. I still do. I admit that most of us are immature and want to quickly find a companion for all the wrong reasons. My case is not an exclusion, I was possessed by my emotions. I wanted to be in that ecstasy quick. It was like signing up for a three month long sugar rush. Then you get diabetes and suffer from it.

In a nutshell, I can’t find a proper conclusion to sum off this manure I wrote. Everything is so hypocritical I apologize. I don’t know what will happen in the future, but I believe things will go well if proper responsibility is taken by the two parties and a ten thousand truckloads full of patience.

Relationships, like almost everything else, are neither black nor white but grey. They make you happy but they also depress you, because heads up, you are making yourself vulnerable to the other, not to mention that you have ability to hurt them too. Only you yourself know that you are ready, and if you aren’t, are you willing to bear the consequences?

For in the end I wish that the union of two people will be fruitful as they start a new beginning together called marriage. Perhaps in this era this is considered a ‘close minded’ opinion, but I hope my wish applies to you all as well.

 

 

 

 

word barf #8: this is the era

This is the era where people take social media as a serious representation of our lives. Where many filter out the hardships and display the plain ol’ and same ol’ beauty. Where the other party may stumble upon their posts, and feel even much more insecure, because their own lives aren’t as pretty as theirs. Like thick icing on a cake, they make their lives presentable too. This is where the chain reaction begins.

This is the era where people make money and gain fame by copying from one another. Where I see the similar types of clothing on five different girls. Where they promote about skin care brand A at three in the afternoon and then praise skincare brand B two hours later. Where their lives seem magical as though money typically rain at their areas. Princesses –with prince, or no prince (or occasionally different princes).

This is the era where people think so much about solely themselves. Where family is only mentioned on pick one: (mothers’/fathers’/parents’ birth) day. Where occasionally an #appreciationpost for their siblings or friends are put up once every six months (or maybe for the first time because their own Outfit Of The Day was really good in this photo). Where their Instagram grid is full of new faces because “Hey everybody! I have so many many many friends! I am popular!” when honestly, they never spoke more than fifty sentences.

This is the era where people feed off from other people. Perhaps it’s the popularity they want to steal, perhaps it’s the top-notch photography skills they want on their photos. However we can never find out their true incentives (and the truth hurts as well).

This is the era people tries to be different to stand out, and flourish for just that little while. Because people look up to these successors, and inevitably, people will follow. That difference is now shared, and that makes it same. One paradox we can see is the fact that we call hipsters ‘hipsters’ because they stand out for not touching the mainstream, but being a hipster is ironically a trend.

This is the era where we can’t plan a proper road for ourselves in the future. We want everything this instant. We want fame, we want fun, we want these kind of friends. We want them right now. We are so self-absorbed in the short period of time where eventually, all these bits of nonsense will not matter anymore in the near future. (We still want these nonetheless because the future seems far.)

This is the era where insecurities are rising among us. We look at them through social media and think that we are not enough. What we forget is the fact that these platforms veils the drastic imperfections, making them unsearchable.

This is the era where we are much covered in flaws, and instead of accepting them, we have a need to hide them away.

And I too, feel guilty.


a ‘word barf’ is that typical thought post without proof reading and mostly nonsense. it is written and posted because many thoughts run away. and it’s better to write them down before forgetting them. 

all that matters

It works this way; some have it better than others. Period.

Some were naturally born with a silver spoon in their mouths. Some could crawl through the crevices of the world with a mask that shields their true personality –and actually succeed. Some simply have the universe on their side all the time.

It seems this way to the rest of us; injustice being the antagonist of our lives.

Some are struggling to make ends meet. Some who gave their all but never got appreciated. Some who tripped and stumbled and are simply tired to fall again.

Why?

Quit the generic answers like ‘because this is how life is’ or ‘you see your life like a glass half empty’. And no, do not bring up the God card.

May we find answer as time continues to do its thing. For the ‘blessed’ ones may lose the power on a rainy day, and the ones who had been through a tiny fraction of hell may be seated on cloud nine.

This might not be the perfect solution, but this satisfies my crumpled heart.

(And for now, the satisfaction is all that matters.)

word barf #7: friendships

Where is the line drawn?

  I have to admit that I choose who I want to be friends with. It’s pretty silly because I believe that friendships develop over time, but then I realized that we choose whether or not we want to run miles for so and so.

There isn’t a perfect formula to boost your friend to go to the best friend level. During my early primary school years, I changed my best friend every few months or so. Currently my “best” friends include the ones who I still contact/insult ever since we were seven, and the ones whom I constantly hang out with for the past three or four years.

However there were things which I only blurt to my friends in school. I pick the ones who I want to listen to what I want to share. Perhaps it’s because this person can relate to me more, perhaps this one can give me better advice -I really do not know.

I also believe that most friendships are temporary. This could possibly the reason why I do not have many ‘BFF’s, for the ones who earn this title are the ones who have the potential to be involved in my life for the next sixty years or so.

The struggle: part I.

   This does not happen all the time, but often I find myself being a fool for giving in too much. Usually I get too afraid destroying the friendship and so I let them be -even if it hurts me.

Towards the end of last year I broke down in the girls’ changing room in front of a few of my classmates. Obviously shameless of my tears, I spilled my hurts between the muffled sobs. It was about this person who I was once friends with, but occasionally, the insults thrown at me were terrible. There was a point where he talked about my private life to another person, and it was my last straw.

We had stopped being friends long before my awful breakdown. Despite that he still exclaimed an insult meant for me. In the changing room, one of my classmates told me that he was a bully. And I have to confess, even if I still feel uncomfortable saying this: although we had good, fun, and memorable times together, he is a bully.

   The struggle: part II.

  I am not totally triggered by being taken advantage of, but I get absolutely hurt if people cannot sacrifice as much I sacrifice for them. I don’t mind doing things for them, but how can they not give just a little bit more time and effort for me? Like, are they really too lazy to read a 500-word post on my blog when I asked for feedback? Lolz.

Pretty upsetting and definitely hurtful. They could argue that I am being selfish for not looking at the things they have already done, but gosh, the amount of my heart and soul poured into this compared to theirs is vast.

Agreed. It’s silly of me being so calculative, but from this, I learn one thing. They view the friendship differently than I do. I can put them on the pedestal, but they do not put me in a place just as important. And that’s bitter.

I know this because I was once like that. I was self-centered, and currently, still self-centered like how many of us are. I would be lying if I said that I treasure the friendship as much as the other party did. I apologize for never giving my all if you are my friend (new or old) reading this.

So far in twenty seventeen I have not slack yet by treating these golden souls badly compared to how they treated me. Aside from that, I’m planning to repay the extra amount of effort they gave. It’s supposed to be a secret, but they’re too humble to know who they are.

The lesson.

  To stand up for myself is something I am still trying to do. There has to be a limit, and sometimes, snipping away the knot can actually set myself free. Another thing is perhaps to not expect too much from people. Even your ‘BFF’s can’t go all out for you. Truly it is devastating, but that is how people are.

  Let time mend the heart, but never be afraid to make friends.

word barf #6: drive

today i realised the true reason why i am a slytherin

my classmates once teased me that i’m more of a hufflepuff. very loving, caring, kind? idk but that’s the stereotype of a hufflepuff

sometimes i doubt the sorting quiz on pottermore is right, and occasionally i get afraid mentioning my house, because i seem like i am not the type for it: the ambitious and cunning type

but maybe, ever since these past few days, i think i found the reason(s) why i am

my final exam has been bothering me, and i get so afraid -too afraid- that i get crappy results. i can’t see myself getting bad results, and i don’t know what i would do if it actually happens. i would probably end up in a mental home, being one of those kids who cannot accept failure. i am not joking

furthermore i get horribly envious and bitter when a person can live out my ambition instead of me. i always feel that i deserve it, not them (unless they’re just super good then i’ll really admire them instead). i hate to see how people can get things so easily without putting much effort. it is unfair, but the world works that way

referring to the paragraph above, this only occurs to things that i am interested in. i deserve to replace people who do not know basic grammar in a workplace

and finally i think that at the end of it all, beneath the facades and what-i-thought-they-were-true intentions, i learn that the strive to go catch the stars is the one that truly fuels me.

word barf #5: by leaps and bounds

Sometimes the first flower that blooms is the first to die. Too early. Too young. Too vulnerable.

Yet things play differently to the brighter creatures in this planet. Perhaps it is alright to charge head on to the years beyond the present. Maybe it is okay to strip off everything and turn an almost 180 degrees.

Write a new chapter, not a new book which has no relation to the first. Chase for the things you’re meant to chase, not the things you will chase years ahead from now. Growing up is involuntary, but why are we volunteering to be much older than we currently are?

The world is now moulded into something much more, and more does not simply means good. Society has set the bar much higher, and we have to reach those standards. Look at those trembling young fingers holding a makeup brush. See that fifteen-year-old spending all his savings just for the shoes currently in ‘style’.

They blossom too soon. Too influenced by the unconscious rules the globe has set. Too unmellow to think of the long term. That money can be saved for something much better. That ‘priority’ should be replaced with a responsibility much greater.

And when we grow up faster than we should, we think we gain. True, but it is not as much as how much we will lose. We say that we do not want to grow up, but ironically we indulge ourselves into more responsibilities which we should face when we are older. Perhaps by this we lose will our old friends and definitely we will lose our time. Nonetheless, the crucial thing of all is that we will lose ourselves.

Us in five years’ time will not be the same us we aspire to be in five years’ time.

Who are we to fiddle the clock? Let time take its course.

word barf #3: perfection

she is perfect. 

with hair dip-dyed an odd, vibrant colour, she still looks beautiful. heels do not need to boost her height (the ideal dreamed by all women) and her waistline is at par with the mannequins in retail stores. 

she owns a personality so lovable, attracting new friends near and far. she has a voice which is soothing when she comforts, melodious when she sings, and unique when she laughs. her hands hold the many talents she possesses, in music, in culinary, as well as in visual art. the level of confidence she has made her outshine every other girl. she stands out, not like a sore thumb, but like the tallest, prettiest wildflower in the meadows. 

she lives the life in the comforts of her own home and loving family. the number of friends she has exceeds the total digits of her fingers and toes. she has everything and she will get anything she wishes for with her hard-to-achieve qualities like being hardworking, kind, forgiving, patient-

-heck, nobody can find a single flaw in her. you cannot hate her because there is nothing to hate her for. she is so perfect, so bloody perfect, the most perfect girl by far.

perhaps it is all just a facade. she could be hiding the dents, the scars, and the intentions which are frowned upon by society. whatever it is, she hid them well, an excellent keeper! perfection is a hoax.

i guess we are all creating our own semblance so society will not shun us away. no man can live as an island, so the desire for acceptance has always been part of human nature. if there isn’t any desire, trends would not exist. geez, what a bummer.

when they tell you to be yourself, did they mean to be my true self? my truest self? no one would like the original, purest, harrowing form of me. eureka! i found the flaw we all own: we’re simply fake among our own kind. no matter how many layers between the world and yourself you have taken off in front of an individual, there are still a number left that masks the true, true you.

((i know this is such a silly post but i’m writing my trashy thoughts out before i forget them perpetually.))