word barf #9: I AM OKAY

hi people who are reading this! i resurrected from the dead after how long of not updating. i’m busy with college preparations and work and sobbing at kdramas. this is my short message to people out there:

AY LOL IM NOT SUICIDAL NOR DEPRESSED. LET ME BE SAD.

please let me wallow as i write.

apologies (why am i apologising again?) for all the deep, saddening posts. bro, you can just leave my blog if my mood rains on your parade.

thanks for worrying about me! but i can assure you that i am perfectly normal —meaning that i am a human with emotions that include sadness.

i’m not sad all the time. it’s just that when i’m sad, i tend to write more. that’s why my blog seems depressing.

cheerio guys, and merry christmas if i don’t come back soon.

 

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keep them hidden

the most fragile weakness
the most desirable desire
the most foolish dream
the most horrific nightmare
perhaps these are the secrets we keep among ourselves

a nightmare gone real, carving a scar
displaying a new-found fear and flaw
what that is lost now becomes a crave
we build a fantasy that makes us safe
perhaps these secrets form like a chain of events

because of the imperfections we all own
fragments of your secrets may be known
for as nasty, crooked human beings we are
our own curiosity pushes us a little too far
digging up one’s past and searching for clues
just to know why and what made you, you
perhaps this is the reason we should keep them hidden

always

October

These span of thirty-one days was a roller-coaster ride of emotions. Here’s why:

-MY PHONE SCREEN CRACKED.
And the three main buttons at the bottom of the screen (homepage, back, and app viewer) do not work anymore. This is a sign that I need a new phone.

This is a hint to my father.

I lost a friend.
Sadly, even teenagers aged sixteen still behave like ten. We became friends (though he never acknowledges us as one) around a year ago. It is a long story, and it is too cringe-worthy to be written out. I’m not going to point fingers —I’ve grown out from that, but I’m confident to say that I’ve done my part to rebuild the shaky bond we had.

I still do keep this respect for him, just hope he does the same for me.

-The surfacing of a secret that was buried for years.
A different person now. It was shocking. It wasn’t that “OMG” surprising, it was more of an “oh”. I could not accept the truth for the first few days. I felt bad. I felt sad. I felt like those years of my life with that person was a lie. We are so close, you could say that we were BFFs (or at least, in my eyes). I’m grateful and touched that I got to know this secret, because I now know that I mean a lot to this person. Nonetheless I cannot do so much to help. All I can do is to support and pray.

Love the sinner, hate the sin.

-A confession. 
Which I thought I’ll never say. However I said it! -though it does not affect my friend and I so much anymore. It’s like this confession has expired almost two years ago; it’s useless now. Can you decipher what this confession is? Haha.

As a follow up from the previous point; the revealing of the confidential matter had shattered my heart. Quoting from another good friend named John: “first loves die hard”, I find this fascinating as well as heartbreaking. Mind you, it’s first love, not first crush. I’ll now leave this mystery floating in the air.

-The re-realization that I need God desperately.
This entire month made me so preoccupied with studies and dealing with my emotions, I forgotten the main provider of my strength: God. This pastor in my church shared about the Widow’s Oil, 2 Kings 4:1-7.

 Then he said, “Go, borrow vessels at large for yourself from all your neighbors, even empty vessels; do not get a few.” -2 Kings 4:3

Empty vessels because they have the potential to be filled. Why fill a vessel when there is already something inside of it? Just like ourselves, we have the potential to be filled with God’s amazing love, but the question is, do we have the desire?

Just a simple reminder to self to wake up and thank Him for giving me energy despite that I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. Thank Him for the remaining people I still have in my life. Thank Him for pushing me to do more everyday.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him. -Psalms 28:7.

denial

falling fast like a spider without its web. falling and falling like there was no end. the ground was not there to catch her anymore. gravity did not pull her down; it was the shock. it tugged on her leg continuously, and crumbled the world before her. the sun went to sleep for eternity for it does not rise. everything around her spun, it was a blur.

and when she woke up from her slumber, she thought that all of it did not happen. her life would go on the same. routine sounded so much better now. everything that happened at that moment was a lie. she opened the curtains, expecting for colourful carnations before her, but all she saw were thorns -without its roses.

“it is not real,” she muttered constantly, as though it was a mantra to get through the day. it is not real. it is not real. it is not real.

her eyes met with his from across the street. she quickly looked at her shoes, focusing on the little marks and tears she never notice that much before. the lights turned green and a little beeping played, disrupting the dreadful silent air. beep by beep, like a timer for a bomb. step by step, as she headed towards destruction.

it is not real. it is not real. it is not real.

again she was falling, like a bird without its wings. falling and falling, struggling to accept the fact. like the sunset, she travels under the horizon.

she woke up from her slumber, thinking that all of it did not happen. her life would go on the same. the cycle repeats.

immortal

the first love never dies
it just hides itself away
then returns suddenly
and attacks to my dismay

the first love never dies
this is simply the truth
it goes round and round
ruining years of my youth

the first love never dies
it visits every while and then
but i have grown and learned
to accept and be content

the first love never dies
and only care remains
in this chaste friendship
any more i shall refrain

familiar strangers

A sparrow perched on a branch
giving itself a rest,
little did it know that a magpie
arrived first.
It’s rare for the loud magpie
to not utter a thing.
The sparrow, small and timid
was too afraid to speak.

Two boys were seated down below
taking a short break,
little did they know that a girl
was behind them.
A familiar voice mentioned her name
in an unfamiliar tone.
The girl who lacked courage
did not say a thing.

It was as though they were strangers:
the magpie and sparrow,
simply minding their own business
without batting an eye.
Like the timid girl and the loud boy
playing invisible ever since,
not acknowledging their presence
as though it was a game.

The sparrow spreaded its small wings
escaping unbearable silence,
wondering if the magpie remembered
the journeys they both flew.
The girl turned and walked away,
replaying the good
reminiscences of the two of them
which stopped abruptly.

 

A short conversation.

It was as though two ends of the world were drawing closer,
destroying everything that was in it’s way. 

But the earth is round -a sphere.
There is never an end.

Did I say that this ‘world’ is the planet we’re standing on?
And even if I mention that it’s earth, does it really matter?
Language can’t even be appreciated, art is belittled.

No one can live without science.
It develops the nations and transform lives.
It saves, protects, and strives to always be better.

Agreed, although I’m not keen for an argument.
Art -to me- releases you from constrictions.
Contentment, joy, or like a leaf travelling
downwards with the ripples of a stream;
that tiny sense of freedom which soothes.

Is that all? Is it just that much art can impact lives?

It is not all, but what can I say?
Maybe you have to indulge it further,
take a bigger bite and let it fill your soul.
Art: often misunderstood by a little taste
when it can tremendously do so much more.
All words in every language can’t so express,
neither various melodies nor rhythms.
Even visuals can’t help you see
what art has in store.